Tears of the Lonely
by M. Willow
Summary: The suicide of a young man brings back painful memories. Originally posted on S&H yahoo group.


Tears of the Lonely

By M. Willow

_This story is a result of the yahoo challenge: Take the song 'Mad World' from the album 'Donnie Darko Original Score' and use it in a story. I listened to the song many times and finally the words came._

Hutch looked at the crumbled body on the ground. The young man had simply decided to end his life by standing in the middle of the street and waiting calmly as the cars drove towards him. It was a crowded day—bright, full of people heading out to begin their day, but no one had made an attempt to reach the young man as he stood in the streets. Finally a woman in her mid-thirties struck him. Now this same woman hovered nearby, crying, screaming that it wasn't her fault. A paramedic was trying to calm her, but the woman was long past that. In one moment her life had changed and she would live with that knowledge the rest of her life.

Why hadn't anyone tried to save the young man's life? How could they all stand their while he committed suicide? Even now he could tell that they didn't really care. Here was excitement—that something missing from their sad loves. Hutch could see it in their worn out faces. They had lead lives filled with youthful hope, but in the end they'd discovered that they were just running in circles. Their lives were now filled with despair, going to jobs without futures, without hope. Waiting for retirement to help them escape from the dismal lives they lead. They were going nowhere.

Hutch hung his head as he stood, shielding his eyes against the sweltering sun. He was like the crowd—weary, expressionless. And now he was afraid—a new emotion for him, for this was not the kind of fear you felt when your life was threatened. This was the kind of fear you felt when your world was crashing down around you. Kira. The woman who brought him back to life. The woman who made him feel something, but at what price? It was only a few days ago when the brunet had found him with Kira. He'd never forget the look on his partner's face. It was the final betrayal. Starsky had trusted him with his life. Trusted him with his soul and he had answered by sleeping with the woman he loved. He didn't know why he'd done it. Why he had hurt the man who was everything to him. But deep down he knew the answer—his life was filled with despair. He was depressed. Had been for at least a year. It was a cry for help—a cry that had started when he stopped caring about the way he looked, when he stopped caring how his actions affected his partner.

Now Hutch wondered would anyone care if he stood in the street waiting for a car to hit him. Would they watch with blank expression as he took his final breath? Hutch felt the tears coming and put on a pair of dark glasses. A whole life filled with nothing until he had met Starsky. His parents had never loved him. His teachers didn't care. They'd looked right through him. He was nothing more than some rich man's kid and there were plenty of those in the prestigious school he attended. In those days he would dream of his death. Maybe then his parents would realize what they had lost. Maybe in death he would be loved. But unlike the young man who stood in front of a car to end his life, he had wanted to live. Still he had the dreams—dreams of his parents crying after he died, realizing how much they loved him. It was a sad , but he had needed those dreams. It was the only place he felt loved. He was so alone. But then he'd meet Starsky and his world changed. Yet, many times he would worry that Starsky would reject him. That he would do something that would make his friend hate him and then he would be alone again.

Hutch ran his hand through his long, blond hair, rubbing it against the coming migraine. He'd asked Starsky for forgiveness and they had gone to Huggy's to let Kira know that she couldn't separate them. Hutch had walked out of the club with Starsky feeling that everything was okay. How could he have been so clueless? Of course it wouldn't be that easy. He had betrayed Starsky. He'd felt the coldness the minute the door had closed. Starsky had looked at him and simply walked away leaving him standing alone as he watched the red car speed through the streets. He had stood there for a long time as if standing there would bring Starsky back. But it hadn't so after a time he jumped in his car and drove until he saw the young man lying in the streets.

"Oh God, what have I done?" Hutch said shocked that he had said the words aloud. He watched as a patrolman looked at him.

"Are you alright, sir?" the young man asked.

"I'm fine," he answered. A lie. He'd never be fine again.

Hutch was numb as the paramedics removed the body. He thought of the boy. Did he have friends, someone like Starsky? But then if he had had someone like Starsky, he wouldn't have ended his life.

Hutch saw the familiar car pull up. Starsky got out and leaned his body against it. Hutch needed him, needed to feel his strength, needed to feel his love even though he wasn't worthy. He steeled himself against the gathering doom. He walked purposely toward his partner. He had nowhere else to go. Now he stood before the man who he called, partner, friend, brother. He stood before him now, tired, dejected, worthless. He dared not look into his eyes.

"Hutch, are you alright?"

Hutch was surprised to hear the concern in his partner's voice, the words spoken so simply. The words that told him his friend still cared.

"I don't know. I don't know. How did you find me?" he replied.

"Huggy called. He was driving by and saw you. Said you looked a mess."

"Guess I am a mess. God I'm a mess," he put a trembling hand to his head, the headache intensifying. He was on the verge of tears, but he couldn't let Starsky see that. He had done a horrible thing. He would be strong enough to stand before this man now and accept the consequences.

"Hutch, I want you to know that I still love you. Nothing ever gonna change that."

And then the damn broke and Hutch shook as the tears fell freely. He felt strong hands pull him into an embrace. He fell into those arms, hanging on with all that mattered.

"I thought I had lost you," he stuttered.

"Can't happen. Don't you know that there's nothing you could do or say that would change my feelings for you? I love you Hutch. You hurt me by what you did. But nothin' would hurt me more than losing you."

Hutch was unable to speak. Instead he absorbed himself in the strong embrace. He felt the love, knew it was unconditional, that he didn't have to do anything to earn that love. He was an imperfect man, but his friend loved him just the same and for the first time in his life he knew that he would never be alone.

Fin


End file.
